navel-gazing


I’ve added a Goals page to the header of the blog – I’ve been putting this off because it’s something that’s really REALLY discouraged me in the past. I was sitting here this morning on my laptop thinking about how I have 196 lbs to lose. Think about that – that’s more than half my starting weight.  How the hell am I going to manage this? I’m a person that absolutely loves to do as little as possible – hell, just look at the state of my house.

And then I thought – YEAH. Look at the state of my house. Ever since my friend’s husband died on October 13th, I’ve made nutritious meals every day, been keeping up on housework (way more than before) and have felt motivated! I’m doing it – making a conscious decision each morning to eat healthily instead of not eating for sometimes up to TEN HOURS after waking up! I’m researching things to keep me on track, getting exercise in, drinking more than enough water, and getting the sleep I need in! Plus, I’m down 10 lbs. That means that I only have 186 lbs to go, and only 9.6 lbs to go until I’m at 10% of my weight loss goal achieved.

I’ll be updating the Goals page soon with rewards for each milestone I pass – now that’s going to take some thinking!

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How’s yours?

I asked some friends the other day what their relationship with food was like when they were little. Specifically, I asked “Were any of you sent to bed without food if you were misbehaving?”

Some friends were absolutely shocked that it was even something that someone’s parent would do! Yes, my mother would often send me to bed without my dinner if I had been in any way misbehaving before the meal was served. We were dirtpoor, and I suppose it seemed like the best punishment to her, since then she could save the food for someone that was “more grateful”. Yeah. I know.

-warning: this next section has frank discussion about self-injuring and eating disordered behaviour –

When I moved to live with my Dad at 11 years old, I displayed symptoms of compulsive overeating right away. I wasn’t used to that much food being around and I suppose in my pre-adolescent mind, I had better eat ALL THE FOOD before it got taken away or it ran out.  That lasted about a month and instead of talking to me about it, my stepmom, in her infinite wisdom, decided to put a padlock on the cupboard with most of the food in it. I remember self-injuring because it was all I could do to take my mind off of eating. One day I took a hammer to the cupboard and binged on everything inside, including a 4 pack of Saltines. My parents weren’t impressed, and I can’t remember what happened after that, but my disordered behaviour settled after that.

I was watching “X-Weighted” a few nights ago, and it showed a parent doing the padlock thing on their Snack Cupboard and I was appalled. I could NOT imagine doing that to my three young stepdaughters and it hit me – I broke the cycle. A lot of the time, I find that the abused becomes the Abuser. For the first little while after becoming Stepmom, I was adamant that the girls finish what I had served them, and if they refused, I would tell them to go to their room until they ate it all. I did some soul-searching and decided that no good could come of that mindset other than messing up their relationship with food. Sure, I don’t let them eat pb&j exclusively, but now I’m way more relaxed.

So how about you?

See the title to this post? That’s something that I’ve struggled with for a long time – even more so since gaining a lot of weight about 10 years ago.

How do you convince yourself that you’re worth putting the time and effort into? It’s especially funny coming from me, since I’m a knitter, crocheter, seamstress, needle felter (trust me, the list goes on), and I think nothing of putting 20 hours or more into a pair of beautifully hand-knit socks. Putting over 100 hours into a shawl for a friend’s wedding... Sorry, I don’t mean to brag, but I am a hell of a knitter! So why am I so set in thinking that the gym, walking, anything active and good for me “just takes too much time”? Silly, when compared to my favourite hobby.

Let’s compare, shall we?

100 hours of knitting = gorgeous shawl, 100 hours of working out = BENEFIT BEYOND IMAGINATION.

Also, I think nothing of putting into a marathon of Law & Order: SVU or Doctor Who, while merrily knitting away – curled up in my bed, usually snacking on junky food.

It all changes now. I was reading through my local community centre’s fitness programming for this quarter, and whaddya know – 20/20/20 ( One class with 3 different 20 min sets: 20 minutes of step, 20 minutes of hi/lo movements and 20 minutes of resistance movements) starts tomorrow. Is that a sign, or IS THAT A SIGN?

Of course, after hitting the “Register Now!” button, my heart started racing and the negative self-talk all but screamed at me. “You’re too fat for this class.” followed by “Everyone will know you don’t belong there” and even the absurd “You’re going to overdo it and make a fool of yourself, do you want them to be laughing at you?”.

So you know what I did? I read the description more carefully and at the end, it says:

All levels of fitness are welcome and encouraged to participate.

And then I looked up the instructor on Google – tweeted her, and she was so encouraging that I’m calling first thing in the morning and am registering. Then I’m going to MAKE myself go. I’ve promised myself that I’ll at least try this class and next week’s class to really see if I like it.

🙂 I’m proud of myself.

I’m here mainly because of this photo:

moooo

That’s my lovely fiance and I at Salem Sue in Salem, ND just about a month ago. We, along with 3 of our friends, drove from our home in Vancouver, BC to Saint Paul, MN – because we’re clearly insane. I’m around 370 lbs in that picture, which is the most I’ve ever weighed. And will be the most I’ve ever weighed!

There are 300 days until our wedding day. I have never loved a human being more in my life than I do him.

My plan is positivity – as long as I put in an effort, I’m not going to beat myself up too much about the results, and I think that’s the best approach I’ve taken to weight loss thus far. Oh yeah – did I mention that this isn’t my first time (OH SCANDALOUS)? I’ve tried Weight Watchers, low-protein (I know – wtf?), low-carb, fasting, South Beach, No Diet… umm.. and probably a lot more than that, but those are the ones I can remember. The least amount I’ve weighed in my adult life is 288 lbs, and that was in 2003.

So… a while ago.

Anyhow – I’m excited to get started!